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Beleva

For Immediate Release

January 15, 2010 - The U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced today stunning results from tests on Beleva, the much-heralded "wonder drug" destined to revolutionize human health worldwide and reduce U.S. healthcare costs alone by an estimated $1.2 trillion annually.

Five years of rigorous clinical trials have conclusively demonstrated that taking Beleva orally prevents most cancers, controls appetite, reduces body fat, aids circulation, promotes restful sleep, eliminates joint and back pain, increases energy and sexual drive, optimizes blood pressure, cures depression and other serious mental disorders, improves mood, increases bone density and cures the common cold, among other things.

Beleva was initially developed by Dr. Contrarian, the reclusive sage whose method is always to think otherwise. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Dr. Contrarian came upon the magical combination of ingredients in Beleva while experimenting with exotic jungle roots and nuts as a garnish for his daily martinis, upon the advice of his dog.

Patent rights for Beleva are expected to fetch upwards of $500 billion, plus recurring royalty payments. The Dr. Contrarian Foundation plans to use a portion of the proceeds to launch a massive worldwide campaign to reduce bad thinking, bad behavior and bad taste.

News of Beleva's success is roiling the U.S. heathcare industry, as rates of sickness, disease and disability are expected to plummet precipitously.

"Our members are concerned," said A. "Tad" Greedie, president of the American Medical Association. "Fewer people will need to see a doctor. We are potentially looking at billions of dollars in lost revenue."

Dr. Seymour Green, an interventional radiologist in Scottsdale, Arizona, agrees. "This is a disaster," Dr. Green said. "My business could drop 50 percent or more. I'm looking at going from $900K to $400K in a year, plus have to lay off office staff. The local economy would suffer. These preventive health nuts don't think of that."

Meanwhile, health insurance plan stock future prices soared as investors anticipate companies covering more people and paying out less in claims. "Health plan margins would go up big time if more people stayed healthy and out of the hospital," said Robyn Banks, a financial analyst.

Other analysts sounded a cautionary note and suggested that with more people staying healthy, there will be less need for health insurance, and companies will go out of business.

Even the $150 billion fast food industry is nervous. In one study, participants who took Beleva over a three-month period reported visiting fast food outlets 50 percent fewer times and consuming smaller portions than the control group. Lobbyists for processed food manufacturers have asked Congress to appoint a Commission to investigate the potential harm to the economy if Americans stay healthy and consume less of their products.

Beleva is especially effective and safe for children. In clinical trials among those 5-17 years of age, one Beleva a day promoted concentration, improved test scores, reduced body fat, increased energy, lowered aggression, and produced feelings of well being, even euphoria.

Researchers cited the example of David, a 16-year-old boy with a history of juvenile delinquency whose parents are both in prison. After just six months on Beleva, his test scores improved three grade levels, he started volunteering at a senior center, and he is contemplating a career as an astrophysicist.

"Beleva is way better than meth and crack-cocaine," David said. "I'm still high, but now I can actually function and have a future. I've got to get my parents on it."

Beleva is expected to be available to the general public in three forms: Weak Beleva, Strong Beleva and True Beleva. It is unclear whether the drug will require a prescription. Proponents of tight control over its distribution argue that we don't have enough information to know the effects of optimal health and behavior, and with an economy and culture highly dependent on bad health and behavior, the easy availability of Beleva could promote a worldwide depression lasting for years.

Others who advocate making Beleva legal and available without a prescription scoff at these doomsday scenarios. I.M. Heerfuru, the life coach entrepreneur whose World Happiness Association is expected to grow to be larger than AARP if Beleva is distributed widely, believes you can't take too much Beleva.

"We know that wealth doesn't bring us happiness, but Beleva does," says Heerfuru. "Imagine a world where everyone is happy, well and contented. Whether we get it from God or a drug, who cares? It's going to be heaven on earth."

As for Dr. Contrarian, rumors are afloat that he has retreated to a remote island in the South Pacific, where he is hard at work on developing Miseria, an antidote to Beleva for those who believe it is possible to have too much of a good thing.

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*The Drift reflects the views of the author, and does not represent the official view of SLHI's Board of Trustees and staff.